CHEERS                                               Season 1

Episode 1.
Give Me a Ring Sometime
Ted Danson-Sam Malone
Shelly Long-Diane Chambers
Rhea Perlman-Carla Tortelli Lebec
Nicholas Colasanto-Ernie "Coach" Pantusso
George Went-Norm Peterson
John Ratzenberger-Cliff Clavin
Erik Holland-Swedish customer
Michael McGuire-Professor Sumner Sloane
John P. Navin, Jr.-boy
Ron Frazier-Ron
Diane ends up accepting a waitressing job at Cheers after her 
fiancée leaves her there to wait while he picks up his ex-wife's 
wedding ring.  When the gang tries to name the sweatiest movie 
ever made, Cliff suggests Body Heat which co-starred Ted Danson. 
     [Sam walks from the storage room into the bar area carrying 
     a box of new beer mugs.  A young man enters.] 
YM:  How about a beer, Chief? 
SM:  How about an ID? 
YM:  Ha.  Ha.  An ID?  That's very flattering.  Wait 'til I tell 
     the missus. 
SM:  Ah, military ID.  First Sgt. Walter Keller, born 1944.  
     That makes you 38.  Must have fought in Viet-nam? 
YM:  Oh, yeah.
SM:  What was it like?
YM:  Gross.
SM:  Yeah, that's what they say.  War is gross.  I'm sorry, 
YM:  This is the thanks we get.
     [Theme song]  

         Sometime you want to go, 
         Where everybody knows your name.  
         And they're always glad you came.
         You want to be where you can see,
         Troubles are all the same.  
         You want to go 
         Where everybody knows your name. 

     [Young man approaches door as Dr. Sumner Sloan and Diane 
     Chambers enter.] 

DC:  Sumner, this is crazy.
SS:  Diane, we're about to be married.
YM:  Married.  Congratulations.  Why don't we celebrate with a 
SS:  I think not.
YM:  I give it 6 months.
SS:  Perhaps we won't have children right away.  Come on.  Let's 
     sit here. 
DC:  Sumner, now we have a plane to catch.
SS:  Diane, if we're going to be married, I insist you have my 
     grandmother's antique gold wedding ring. 
DC:  Didn't you say that ring is still on your ex-wife's finger?  
     I don't need it.  You're enough for me. 
SS:  True, but symbols are important.  Just let me call Barbara 
     and see if she's home.  The phone's back here.  As long as 
     we're here, let's celebrate with some champagne. 
     [Bar phone rings three times.  Diane gets up, goes over to 
     the bar, and answers it.] 
DC:  Hello.  
DC:  Sam?  
DC:  Are you Sam?
SM:  Yes.
DC:  Yes, he's here.
DC:  Someone named Vickie.
SM:  No.  No.  No.  No.  No.
DC:  No.  She knows you're here.  I told her you were here.
SM:  Well.
DC:  Now look.  
DC:  [to the caller]  I'm sorry.  I was wrong.  He had to step 
DC:  Where?  
DC:  Well, uh, the thing is he had to go to mime class.
DC:  Yes, yes.  I'll take a message.
DC:  You're welcome.
     [Hangs up phone.]
SM:  Well?
DC:  You are a Magnificent Pagan Beast.
SM:  Thanks.  What's the message?
DC:  Now, listen, I didn't like doing that.
SM:  I'm sorry.  If I didn't own this place I'd fire me on the spot.
     Tell you what.  A line from me.  I'll buy you a first drink.
DC:  Oh, I'd like a bottle of your first champagne.
SS:  Running away to get married.
SM:  Oh, well.  Hey, then this is on me.  Congratulations.
SS:  Good news.  Barbara was home and she said I could come over.
DC:  Ah, well.  Do you want me to go with you?
SS:  No.  It could get a trifle sticky.  Besides, if she saw the 
     dazzling beauty who is about to succeed her it would break 
     her heart all over again. 
DC:  Oh, Sumner.  I'm not book.
SS:  Last to leave.
SM:  So, where's the ceremony going to be.
DC:  We're getting married tomorrow in Barbados.
SM:  Oh, hey.
SS:  I'm Dr. Sumner Sloan professor of world literature at BU.
DC:  He has an article in the current Harper's.
SM:  Ah.
SS:  Diane has been my teaching assistant for almost two years.  
     And today I was sitting in my office with Diane.  I looked 
     up from my Proust she had her nose in her Yates.  And I 
     said to myself, I would be crazy to let this girl get out 
     of my life.  So right there on the spot I said let's get 
DC:  What he actually said was, 

        Come with me and be my love.
        And we will some new pleasures prove.

     That's Dunne. 
SM:  I certainly hope so
SS:  Oh, no.  John Dunne, the poet.
SM:  Ah, well.  That's lovely.
SS:  Listen, I must stack.  I'll be back in ten minutes.
SS:  Excuse me, what is your name?
SM:  Sam.
SS:  Listen, Sam, old man.  I have an errand to run.  Diane is 
     going to stay here.
SS:  I would appreciate it if you would keep an eye on her.
SS:  For you Sumner, old man.  I'll keep both eyes on her.
DC:  Sumner, am I stupid to let you go see a woman you were once 
     in love with? 
SS:  Oh, my darling.  I'm leaving you alone in a bar.  Which one 
     of us is the stupidist, Sam? 
SM:  Too close to call.
SS:  In any case, you sit over here at the bar and you chat with 
     Sam while I'm gone. I'll be back, before you know it, with 
     your wedding gift.
     [Sumner leaves.] 
SM:  Quite a fellow, your fiancé.
DC:  Listen.  Uh, you don't have to make conversation with me.  
     Nothing personal, but I'm not in the habit of talking with 
SM:  I understand.  One's trying to move into my neighborhood.
     [Coach enters.]
RP:  Call that a football team?
SM:  What's wrong, Coach?
RP:  What's wrong?
RP:  History has hit us again.  This is going to be the worst 
     draft yet. We had a first round pick.  Right, Sam. 
RP:  Did they get a jack rabbit for the backfield?  No.
RP:  A good slinger at quarterback?  No.
     A linebacker they get, Sam.  A linebacker.
SM:  I don't know, coach.  I've seen a good linebacker turn the 
     whole team around. 
RP:  Yeah, me too.
RP:  [To Diane.]  Oh, Hi.
RP:  Hello.
RP:  I hope nobody told her the bus goes by here.
SM:  She's going to be sitting here for a while.
DC:  Excuse me.  I hate to keep asking for special attention.  
     But could you not discuss my private life with 
     everyone who comes in. 
SM:  What would you like me to tell them?
DC:  I don't care.
SM:  She's a hooker.
DC:  Thank you.
SM:  Don't mention it.
     [Coach sees Carla through the window.  Carla enters.]
CT:  Carla's late again.
SM:  Ah nuts.  [Looks at wrist watch.]
CT:  Ok.  Ok.  I'm late.  My kid was throwing up all over the 
     place.  If you don't buy that, Sam, I'm quitting.  Because 
     I don't work for a man who doesn't show some compassion for 
     my children.  It doesn't look like you were exactly swamped 
     here.  I'm usually very punctual.  If you don't like it 
     that's fine.  Because it isn't such a great job, to begin 
     with.  I'm going to change. 
SM:  Think I was too hard on her?
     [Norm Peterson comes in.]
NP:  Afternoon, everybody.
BF:  Norm.
SM:  How are you doing, Norm?  What do you know?
NP:  Not enough.
NP:  Coach, what do you think of the Patriots draft, huh?
RP:  Forget it Norm.  They need linebackers back like I need 
NP:  yeah, I say new linebackers would probably put them in the 
     super bowl. 
RP:  You know, you would probably do that.
     Gee, I've got an awful headache again.
NP:  Sure could have used you coming out of the pen, Buddy.
SM:  Not in the shape I'm in Norm.
NP:  Yo miss, wouldn't you like to see Sam playing the old horse 
     hide again. 
DC:  Playing what?
NP:  Don't you know who this is?  He used to be one of the best 
     pitchers in baseball.  Samuel "Mayday" Malone. 
RP:  I coached this kid down in pawtucket in double A ball.  And 
     up here with the red socks.  He was one of the best 
     relievers ever to play the game. 

SM:  Take it easy, Coach.
RP:  No, I mean it.  He was one of the very best
     As sure as the world is round.
SM:  You don't believe that, Coach.
RP:  No, I never used to believe it Sam, until I saw those 
     pictures from the space shuttle. 
CT:  You know, Sam once struck out pass Kaline with a
     free man on second.
CT:  How long is the wimp convention in town?

DC:  Well, if you were so good why aren't you still playing?
SM:  I developed an elbow problem.  I bent it too much.
DC:  You were a drunk?
RP:  Are you kidding?  He was a great drunk.
     Everything that kid did was great.
SM:  I was not a great drunk.  I was a good drunk.
DC:  Are you drunk now.
SM:  No, I haven't had a drink in over three years.
NP:  I for one am proud you licked it, Sam.  It must have been 
DC:  Why do you own a bar?
SM:  I bought it when I was a drunk.  And I held onto it for 
     sentimental reasons. 
C:   Yo, uh, miss.  What are you reading?  A book?
DC:  Excuse me.  Where is your bathroom?
RP:  Next to my bedroom.
SM:  Down the hall.
CT:  So what's Goldilocks scoring, huh?
SM:  Never mind.
CT:  Oh, come on, Sam.
NP:  Why can't you tell us?
RP:  Hey, take it easy, will you?
RP:  Sam's kind of shy about this sort of thing.
RP:  She's a hooker.
SM:  She's not a hooker.
SM:  Look, she does not want to be bothered.  She's waiting for 
     her fiancée.  They're going down to the Caribbean 
     tonight to get married.  Okay. 
     [Diane comes back in from the back.]  
SM:  They missed you.
     [Norm finishes his beer.]
RP:  Another beer, Norm?
NP:  Yeah, one more quick one, Coach, thank you.
CT:  He's not back yet?
DC:  No.
CT:  Why don't you make a run for it?
DC:  You're a bitter little person, aren't you?
CT:  Yeah.  Well, I have a right to be.  My husband left me with 
     four kids. 
DC:  Four kids?
DT:  That's right.  And after I paid his way through school 
     hustling drinks. 
DC:  What school did your husband go to?
CT:  The Caladia Academy.  
CT:  TV repair.
CT:  So the minute he graduated, he left me.  He said I wouldn't 
     fit in with the other repairmen's wives.  Big shot. 
DC:  He sounds like a cur.
CT:  Well, he's not all bad.  He still fixes my set and only 
     bills me for parts. 
     [Telephone rings once.]
NP:  If it's my missus, I'm on my way.
RP:  Cheers.  Yeah, just a second.  Is there a Rudy Pantusel here?
SM:  That's you coach.
RP:  Speaking.
CT:  I'd like two drafts and a scotch on the rocks.  You know,  
     there's a group over there arguing about the sweatiest 
     movie ever make.
NP:  The what?
CT:  What movie do people sweat the most in?
NP:  That's easy, Rocky II.
CC:  Oh, no.  Not even close.  Body Heat
BF:  Sweat city.
R:   Ben Hur.  Boys in the galley sweat like pigs.
NP:  Alien.  Alien buckets.
     [Sumner returns.]

DC:  Oh, Sumner.  Oh, I'm so glad to see you.  I've been sitting 
     here listening to these men argue over the sweatiest movie 
     ever made. 
SS:  Cool Hand Luke.
NP:  Hey.
DC:  What happened to you.  You said ten minutes.  It's been 
     over an hour. 
SS:  Diane.  That woman is extraordinary. 
DC:  Did she give you the ring?   I couldn't take it.  We've got 
     a plane to catch.  Diane, I love you. But when I was with 
     Barbara just now something stirred inside me. 
DC:  Well, we can talk about it on the flight to Barbados.
SS:  I can't fly to Barbados when I'm this confused.
DC:  Sumner, it's okay.  The pilot knows the way.
SS:  Oh, I love your wit.  You're a beautiful child.
DC:  Let's go to Barbados.
SS:  Let's go to Barbados.
     [Sumner kisses Diane.  Telephone rings.]

CT:  Who isn't here.
NP:  Me.
CC:  Me.
CT:  Cheers.  Hey.  If you're not, I apologize.  Is your name 
     Sumner Sloan? 
SS:  Yes it is.
CT:  [Snorts.]
SS:  Hello.
SS:  No.  No.  No.  It's all right.  She understands.  And I 
SS:  Oh, Barbara.  That's very human of you.  I'll be right over.
SS:  And Barbara, your depth frightens me.
SS:  [To Diane]  She insists that you have the ring.
DC:  Sumner, we won't have time to catch our flight.
SS:  You call and get us on a later flight.
SS:  I'll go now and the ring from Barbara.
DC:  Sumner, how about a kiss?
PS:  Maybe.  I'll play it by ear.
     [Sumner Leaves.]
CT:  Hey, cheer up, Cookie.  He may have been in an accident.
RP:  Knocking off, Sam.  Home for my book.
SM:  Still working on that novel, huh, Coach?
RP:  Yeah.  It's been going on six years now.  I've just got 
     have a feeling I might finish it tonight. 
DC:  You're writing a novel?
RP:  No.  Reading one.
SM:  What do you think Coach?  I want you to take Norm home.
SM:  [Shouting.]  Norm.
RP:  Norm.
NP:  I'm up.  I'm up.  One quick one and then I've really got to 
     fly, Sam. 
SM:  I'll have Coach take you home.
RP:  Come on.  I'll give you a lift.
NP:  Al right.  Thanks.  Goodnight, Sam.
SM:  Goodnight.
NP:  Hey, Coach.  We'll stop at a bar and I'll buy you a beer, 
RP:  You're in here every night.  Doesn't your wife ever wonder 
     where you're at? 
NP:  Wonders.  Doesn't care.
     [Coach and Norm leave.]
R:   Goodnight, Sam.  Thanks for letting me bend your ear.
     [Ron heads for the door to leave.]
SM:  That's okay, Ron.  Goodnight.
DC:  Boy, you must get real tired of people crying in their beer.
DC:  I wonder why people tell bartenders their problems.
     It's kind of sad, isn't it?
SM:  Yeah.
DC:  Poor wretched.  No one to turn to but some stranger who 
     mixes drinks. 
DC:  I met Sumner two years ago.  I was so flattered when he 
     actually went out of his way to pick me as his teaching 
     assistant.  I'm still in awe of him, you know.  He's been 
     the most brilliant man I've ever known.  The last two years 
     he's been the most important thing in my life.  Now, I may 
     be losing him. 
SM:  Aw, come on now.  Look, you are a very attractive young lady.
DC:  Thank you.
SM:  Yeah.  Sure.  Look.  You're going to find someone a lot 
     better than that "goofy" professor. 
DC:  "Goofy"?  Are you talking about Sumner?
SM:  I'm talking about Sumner.
DC:  You don't like Sumner.
SM:  I don't like Sumner.
DC:  You know why you don't like Sumner?
SM:  Because he's "goofy".
DC:  No, because he's everything you're not.  He's well bred.  
     He's highly educated.  He's distinguished.  He's urbane. 
SM:  You left out "goofy".
DC:  I did not leave out "goofy".
SM:  You were coming to it.
DC:  I should have expected this.  That "goof" will be on 
     the cover of Saturday Review some day. 
SM:  That goof is probably going to be on a beach in Barbados 
     tomorrow morning rubbing suntan oil on his ex-wife. 
DC:  I've had a real rough day.  And I'm now going to reward 
     myself by getting out of here.  When Sumner comes back, 
     will you tell him I've gone home? 
SM:  Fine.
     [Diane starts to leave.]
DC:  I forgot to change the reservations again.
SM:  Use this one.  
     [Sam hands Diane the phone.]
DC:  Thank you.
     [Diane calls the airport.]
DC:  Ah yes, I'd like to change the reservations for Mr. and 
     Mrs. Sumner Sloan flight 481 to Barbados.  
DC:  They did?  Are you sure?  Uh, no.  Thank you.
     [Hangs up phone.]
SM:  I'm sorry.
DC:  How did you know?
SM:  Bartenders' intuition.
DC:  What a shame.  Such an astute observer of human nature, 
     stuck behind a bar.  
SM:  That's what I think. 
DC:  Well, why don't you bring your remarkable powers to bear 
     and enlighten me as to what my future holds? 
SM:  I'm probably going to regret this, but you could work here.
DC:  [Hysterically.]  Ha, ha, ha.
CT:  Sam.
SN:  Shut up a second, will you?
CT:  I need two vodka gimlets, one straight up, one blended 
     rocks, shebet rocks, soda, a comfort Manhattan, hold the 
     cherry, white wine spritzer with a twist, one old Bushmill 
     irish decaf, hold the sugar. 
DC:  What would make you think that I would ever work in a place 
     like this. 
SM:  Simple, really.  Can't go back to the professor for work.
     I need a waitress.  You need a job.
SM:  You like the people here.  You think that they like 
     you. And the phrase "Magnificent Pagan Beast" has never 
     left your mind. 
DC:  Now, look Buster.  I do need a job.  And I'll find one.  
     And you can bet that it won't be waiting tables. 
SM:  What do you qualify to do?
DC:  Nothing.  But somewhere there is a job that I'm perfect 
     for.  That's perfect for me.  I'll find it, and when I do, 
     I'll know it. 
SM:  Carla, what am I making?
DC:  Two vodka gimlets, one straight up, one blended rock.
     One shevitz rock, soda, a comfort Manhattan, hold the cherry
     A white wine spritzer with a twist.
     One old Bushmill Irish decaf, hold the sugar.
     [Couple enter bar.]
SM:  First customers.
DC:  Wish me luck.
SM:  Luck.
DC:  Hello.  Welcome to Cheers.  My name is Diane.  I will be 
     serving you.  Why don't you sit down right over here.  You 
     know, I should tell you parenthetically that you are the 
     first people that I have ever served.  In fact, if anyone 
     told me a week ago that I would be doing this, I would have 
     thought them insane. When Sam over there offered me the 
     job, I laughed in his face.  But then it occurred to me.  
     Here I am.  I'm a student.  Not just in an academic sense, 
     but a student of life.  And where better than here to study 
     life in all its many facets.  People meet in bars.  They 
     heart, they rejoice, they suffer.  They come here to be 
     with their own kind.  

DC:  [Stands]  What can I get you? 
SV:  Where is police?  We have lost our luggage.